The What Nobody Tells You Files: Starting solid foods

It's that six-month milestone that first-time parents seem to universally look forward to. You know. Food.

I mean, whether you plan to go with the baby-led, self-feeding-from-the-start model or you want to catch that classic "open wide for the choo-choo!" moment on camera, you know there's going to be some mega-cuteness associated with introducing your baby to solids.

And you're mostly prepared for the thing that everyone does tell you about. You know the thing. The poop. You can't ever truly prepare for the thrills to come, but if you're cloth diapering, you probably have your diaper sprayer installed. You did that right after you bought new batteries for the camera. You're all set!

But there are certain Things That Nobody Tells You about heading down the flavorful and textured path of Babies Eating Food:

1) If you don't have a dog, keep your mop handy. This is the beginning of a years-long foray into food-on-the-floor frustration. 

At first, your baby will accidentally drop lots of food on the floor. Who could be mad about that? Her fumbly little fingers are so cute picking up that slippery, slobbered-up banana chunk. 

She'll get a little neater as time goes on, but then she'll learn... to throw. Throwing food is FUN. It gets a great reaction from grown-ups: laughter the first few times, that trademarked "I'm pretending to ignore you" face that moms can be so bad at, and, after several weeks, complete and total frustration, which is even better than laughter. After a 200-comment thread that begins with you asking your Facebook friends if it's all normal, you'll either get the throwing game under control or (more likely) she'll outgrow it.

But by then she's doing two new things: wanting to use a utensil (sort of) and rejecting the high chair. Standing in it. Leaping out of it. Refusing to eat and reverting back to food-throwing unless she's seated elsewhere. And 'elsewhere' usually means somewhere messy, especially when spoons are involved.

Some moms find that 'splat mats,' washable mats that protect the floor, work well to combat this problem. Not having to clean the floor aside, you still have to clean the mat. I think that I would be a lazy splat mat mom, and my splat mat would have to be replaced every couple weeks due to mold growth.

2) Starting solids probably won't cut down on the number of times your baby wants to nurse or drink a bottle per day (or night). Some well meaning family members might tell you that the secret to getting more sleep or more time away from your baby is starting solids. This isn't necessarily true, especially in the very early stages of food introduction. Your baby should be getting most of his calories from breastmilk or formula until his birthday, and getting too many calories from food before the developmentally appropriate time has been linked to eventual obesity and diabetes.

As they say, "Food before one is just for fun!" If your six-month old baby's solids intake corresponds to longer stretches of sleep at night, it could be coincidence, just an age thing. Or it could actually mean your baby is taking in too many calories from a source that isn't complete nutrition for him, and he's having some trouble digesting it. The latter is more likely if you're spoon-feeding (and watching the measurements on the jar rather than your baby) than if the baby is using his own hands to experiment with food (because rarely will a baby be able to instinctively overeat). Note: plenty of parents who prefer to spoon-feed are careful to read their baby's cues and always stop when the baby is ready to, so if that's your preferred method for introducing foods, don't fret. You're doing this parenting thing just fine.

3) Once they start eating, you can kiss your own plate goodbye. Practice saying this now and get used to it: Everything looks better on my plate. Everything tastes better from my plate. Everything that I put in my hand is a swiping target. What's mine is yours, darling. Even my fork. Which just fell on the floor. Oh! There's the dog.... These things just happen.

4) Food battles happen anyway. There are certainly ways to introduce your babies to flavors and textures to avail them of good chances to develop an adventuresome foodie spirit, but there's a certain level of confirmation bias involved when anyone tells you, "Well, I just did __________, and Little Jack eats everything." Sometimes your baby eats everything, but that same baby becomes a toddler and preschooler who does not. And some babies will simply reject anything green from the onset.

Bottom line: you are not a failure if your child is a picky eater or is resistant to trying (or continuing to eat) certain foods. Your friend's anecdotal advice based on her own Perfect Snowflake's preference for Cuban cuisine is not proof that you didn't introduce enough variety during infancy. As your baby grows up, you can try all kinds of methods to encourage your picky child to develop an adventuresome palate (or at least learn to choke down what's served at a friend's house even if it does have parsley on top), but some people just don't branch out until adulthood.

(Confession: I didn't eat tomatoes until I was 23.)

Special thanks to all the moms to gave us permission to use their cuties' likenesses in this post!

You know you're the parent of little kids if...

(Note: I'm never sure if these little lists are overplayed, but I kind of love them. They remind me of my elementary- and junior high-aged childhood in the mid-90s: radio deejays sampling audio of Jeff Foxworthy's "Redneck" stand-up series, the early days of e-mail forwards. That nostalgia coupled with that amused-proud-affirmed-and-eager-to-share feeling combo that comes with reading something you can relate to, something which describes your unique situation, something that makes you feel like one of the special and initiated... Well, it's a little addictive, not to mention fun to share. So I continue with the "You might be ______ if...." lists.)

Without further ado,

You Know You're the Parent of Little Kids (or One Little Kid) If...

-You've ever found yourself wearing a colorful sample from each of the food groups on the jeans you pulled out of the dryer half an hour ago.

-Your mealtime blessing should end with, "This meal was brought to the table by Crayola Color Wonder."

-You can toss a 'neat enough' ponytail into a wiggly toddler's hair in .04 seconds.

-Elmo haunts your dreams.

'Iiiiiit's Potty Time with Elmo! Ahahahahaha!'

-You have succumbed to the temptation to use the dreaded, over-priced, under-filling, ridiculously artificially flavored Pop-Tarts as a 'quiet game' reward at the grocery store, despite acknowledging to yourself that the box may as well constitute a sign on your forehead that reads "JUDGE ME" in the checkout line.

-You've finished the box of Pop-Tarts after 10 pm that same day.

-You have no qualms with telling your toddler to eat the (huge, gigantic pieces of) food that's fallen onto his shirt and into his high chair seat before serving him the requested seconds.

-You're not sure what that gunk is on your cell phone touchscreen, but your thumb makes a kind of scritch-scratch-swiiiish! sound when you scroll, and that can't be right.

You thought I was kidding?

-You've given up on that one little free spirit in your house's chances of ever wearing clothes that match.

-You have two crockpots and use them at the same time.

-You've soaked, cooked, bagged and frozen 15 single-serving bags of black beans.

-You know how to translate all of your toddler's words that end in '-eeee!" into real English and have become accustomed to flexing this muscle in front of people who may or may not really be giving you that "What's wrong with her?!" look.

Good to the last drop?

-It's 11 pm and you're making one last sweep-through in the kitchen. You discover the coffee pot; it's still on, heating that last half-centimeter-tall-layer of coffee, which you were planning, all day, to eke one last sweet, creamy cup out of. You were pretty sure you needed it, but you never got around to pouring it. You seriously consider pouring it.

-You're wearing hand-me-downs from your mother's wardrobe, circa 1996, because you upgraded to organic milk, effectively edging out the 'grown-up clothes' budget.

-Your potty-learning toddler has ever confused the basket on her tricycle with her potty chair.

-You've turned down a shopping invitation with your best girls from college. Shopping? That's when you add to your cloth diaper stash, right?

-You don't even consider going out with friends past 4 pm.

-On the rare occasion that you get a baby-sitter during bedtime, you spend your evening bragging to your childless friends about your kids' talents, looks, quirks, and potty accomplishments. Oops.

The little snowflakes' exhibit.

-You've ever had Big Plans for an 'art day' for your kids that became more of a 'scrub smushed crayons and dried tempera paint out of the carpet' day. You have no idea how the carpet became exposed underneath the Visqueen you laid out.

-Speaking of art day, your living room centerpiece is a four foot-tall, primary-colored easel. It also doubles as the childproofing barrier to your fireplace.

 -Your Netflix "Recently Watched" queue contains one Rated R action film, one rom-com from the late '90s, one unrated, straight-to-video version of a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, and 22 episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba.

-You know that Netflix Streaming doesn't have the Jack Black episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, and this continues to disappoint you daily.

Enjoy them for ten minutes!

-You've had to plan all summer activities, camps, and traveling around potty-training.

-You've taken a picture of your perfectly polished fingernails immediately after painting them, knowing full well that this is the last time they will ever be un-smudged before you polish them again.

-Elmo.

-You know exactly what your three-year old means when he requests that you Ziploc his leftover breakfast because he doesn't want it to get "rusted from being left out."

-You have tried to write a "You might be a _____ if" list, and kept thinking of fantastic, clever zingers, but forgot them all while you were changing that diaper.

-Elmo.