Wednesday, July 11, 2012

You know you're the parent of little kids if...

(Note: I'm never sure if these little lists are overplayed, but I kind of love them. They remind me of my elementary- and junior high-aged childhood in the mid-90s: radio deejays sampling audio of Jeff Foxworthy's "Redneck" stand-up series, the early days of e-mail forwards. That nostalgia coupled with that amused-proud-affirmed-and-eager-to-share feeling combo that comes with reading something you can relate to, something which describes your unique situation, something that makes you feel like one of the special and initiated... Well, it's a little addictive, not to mention fun to share. So I continue with the "You might be ______ if...." lists.)

Without further ado,

You Know You're the Parent of Little Kids (or One Little Kid) If...



-You've ever found yourself wearing a colorful sample from each of the food groups on the jeans you pulled out of the dryer half an hour ago.
-Your mealtime blessing should end with, "This meal was brought to the table by Crayola Color Wonder."
-You can toss a 'neat enough' ponytail into a wiggly toddler's hair in .04 seconds.
-Elmo haunts your dreams.
'Iiiiiit's Potty Time with Elmo! Ahahahahaha!'
-You have succumbed to the temptation to use the dreaded, over-priced, under-filling, ridiculously artificially flavored Pop-Tarts as a 'quiet game' reward at the grocery store, despite acknowledging to yourself that the box may as well constitute a sign on your forehead that reads "JUDGE ME" in the checkout line.
-You've finished the box of Pop-Tarts after 10 pm that same day.
-You have no qualms with telling your toddler to eat the (huge, gigantic pieces of) food that's fallen onto his shirt and into his high chair seat before serving him the requested seconds.
-You're not sure what that gunk is on your cell phone touchscreen, but your thumb makes a kind of scritch-scratch-swiiiish! sound when you scroll, and that can't be right.
You thought I was kidding?
-You've given up on that one little free spirit in your house's chances of ever wearing clothes that match.
-You have two crockpots and use them at the same time.
-You've soaked, cooked, bagged and frozen 15 single-serving bags of black beans.
-You know how to translate all of your toddler's words that end in '-eeee!" into real English and have become accustomed to flexing this muscle in front of people who may or may not really be giving you that "What's wrong with her?!" look.
Good to the last drop?
-It's 11 pm and you're making one last sweep-through in the kitchen. You discover the coffee pot; it's still on, heating that last half-centimeter-tall-layer of coffee, which you were planning, all day, to eke one last sweet, creamy cup out of. You were pretty sure you needed it, but you never got around to pouring it. You seriously consider pouring it.
-You're wearing hand-me-downs from your mother's wardrobe, circa 1996, because you upgraded to organic milk, effectively edging out the 'grown-up clothes' budget.
-Your potty-learning toddler has ever confused the basket on her tricycle with her potty chair.
-You've turned down a shopping invitation with your best girls from college. Shopping? That's when you add to your cloth diaper stash, right?
-You don't even consider going out with friends past 4 pm.
-On the rare occasion that you get a baby-sitter during bedtime, you spend your evening bragging to your childless friends about your kids' talents, looks, quirks, and potty accomplishments. Oops.
The little snowflakes' exhibit.
-You've ever had Big Plans for an 'art day' for your kids that became more of a 'scrub smushed crayons and dried tempera paint out of the carpet' day. You have no idea how the carpet became exposed underneath the Visqueen you laid out.
-Speaking of art day, your living room centerpiece is a four foot-tall, primary-colored easel. It also doubles as the childproofing barrier to your fireplace.
 -Your Netflix "Recently Watched" queue contains one Rated R action film, one rom-com from the late '90s, one unrated, straight-to-video version of a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, and 22 episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba.
-You know that Netflix Streaming doesn't have the Jack Black episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, and this continues to disappoint you daily.
Enjoy them for ten minutes!
-You've had to plan all summer activities, camps, and traveling around potty-training.
-You've taken a picture of your perfectly polished fingernails immediately after painting them, knowing full well that this is the last time they will ever be un-smudged before you polish them again.
-Elmo.
-You know exactly what your three-year old means when he requests that you Ziploc his leftover breakfast because he doesn't want it to get "rusted from being left out."
-You have tried to write a "You might be a _____ if" list, and kept thinking of fantastic, clever zingers, but forgot them all while you were changing that diaper.
-Elmo.